Before the first date… the RUSH

the first date.
You put on your favorite CD, specifically the song that makes you feel sexy. You plan your outfit down to your socks. You groom in all the appropriate places, and then it happens... the first date. The anticipation of the first date makes you get butterflies, and then next thing you know your hormones and aadrenaline are pumping…
How does one get to the first date? It seems like technology has ruined the idea of flirting, and summer romances. Between Grindr, Jack’d and what is left of facebook have we become desensitized to romance? A good date is hard to come by, but finding the date seems even harder these days. We try to go on dates from these apps, but they rarely amount to anything but a first date and a f*ck.
the water hole…
True fact. Gay men drink and we drink well. It seems that what was once the social setting to meet guys, has now turned into the SEX and the CITY equivalent of breakfast.  We have become these cliquey little gays that go out with our friends in our Fendi, Prada and Dolce. We sit around smoking and looking, but very few will actually make the move and attempt to flirt. Why the hesitation? It is the ideal social situation right? A room of gays that are intoxicated so their gaurd is down and liquid courage kicks in?? 
There is a difference between flirting and cruising/picking up on a guy… Cruising/picking up… usually opens up with a line like… “How do you like your eggs in the morning…” or “You are hot, you. me. my place.” or even “Gimme five minutes behind the bar.Hah. These are the lines guys wish they could use.… Hahah. Or they are lines that we talk about with our friends. Then there is the ideal flirt… Charming, usually a lot of smiling goes on with this, there are butterflies and a spark
 The flirting lasts all night, and usually ends with an unusually long hug goodbye… an exchange of numbers and making plans to get together for dinner or coffee. Last night, I got to experience flirting in the ideal situation again… At first I didn’t even know it was happening, and then BAM! It hit me in the face like someone should hit Paula Abdul for releasing that new awful single. I mean the guy was cute to begin with, but he was semi-off limits because he was a friend of a friend. It was one of those situations…. BACKTRACK! I went to the W Hollywood to meet up with friends from the past, then headed off to West Hollywood where I would run into a close colleague and friend with his friends, my cousin and his friends, former Social Culture models, Louis Van Amstel, and friends from San Fran. The plan was to just go and be social and catch up with good people, and drink… I needed it after my evening.
So… as I am meeting up with my friend and his friends, I was introduced to him… lets call him… J. Everything seemed normal, the exchange of names, how we know our mutual friend, and then progressively through the night it turned into flirting... a mini date? A spiral of crazy goodness?
 Not exactly sure...    I do know this, when he touched me I got butterflies, and I even stopped smoking for the evening since he is not a smoker.  *BIG DEAL* right?
  the morning after.
work. Always work… but the thoughts rush through my head…
The polite good morning texts…
PLUS SIDE… talking to my friend to see what his version of last night was… there is always two sides of the story… and well to be frank… my flirtatious evening might just be him being genuine and a good guy... let us hope otherwise.

In the Sheets…

This may not be appropriate for people 18 and under.

Cigarette in hand, Tanqueray on the coffee table, and lap top in lap… I found myself contemplating all of these things in the following order…
Sex . Relationships . Fashion . Life

SEX is important one’s life. It actually is extremely important. We find ourselves obsessed with it, talking about it, watching porn, in the movies, all of it… It’s a part of life. I mean right? That’s how we got here in the first place… So, it’s time to start talking about sex… Before, I would consider myself to be sexually conservative, if this was Sex and the City I would definitely be a Charlotte (both in bed and out of the bed). Conservative, classic, and most of all a hopeless romantic wandering the city… 
I was having a conversations with friends about the amount of sex we have, and actually I have come this conclusion… 
RELATIONSHIPS  give us security, while sex liberates who we are. So, it isn’t the monogamy thing that we all want, it is the security of having someone, depending on someone and having someone talk to at any given moment.  So, right now in my life what do I want more? Neither. It’s the fabulous life of FASHION that I want the most. I want the life of glamour, but I want the life that will let me find new talent, and find new faces. I want to work with new and upcoming stars so I can watch their careers grow and change. I have come the understanding that it is fashion who I am married to, and that is where my heart is, and unfortunately it seems like you can’t have both…


Here is the crazy part… I find myself lately becoming obsessed with sex and relationships.

There have been the whimsical romances like the one I had in New York that never came into existence. There have been the romantic holiday relationships that resulted in breaking up at a starbucks. There have been the long term relationships that result in heartbreak and there have been the friends who turn into hook ups. 

But recently, very recently I encountered a new type of relationship… and a sexual experience I hadn’t had before. 
As cliche as that may sound… I recently met a guy who is probably the most passionate man I have ever been with… I recently consulted with a girlfriend, I needed a second opinion on the entire situation. 

What happens when you meet someone at a bar, who instantly finds a connection with you. His eye contact is extremely intense and well… at this bar I ended up kissing him… and then, something out of character, I took him home. The sex you ask? Is amazing… Maybe it’s too good, because I cant get enough. The downside you may ask? He is leaving. But I have this connection to him, it’s addicting. 
He’s smart, he’s funny, he’s attractive… He’s about to leave as he’s a foreigner… I am not sure.

Do I pursue something with him as he is into me?
And I am into him….

It’s quite possible that I will get hurt…
That nothing good can come of this but great sex, good conversation and a few good laughs.

Well that solves that… Pursue it.

Third time is the charm? Ending the year.

Figuring out how to move on in life, is well quite difficult. Regarding relationships, I am not one to preach as well obviously what few relationships I have had, have failed in some way or another. Not that they were a failure, it is just people grow apart, and somehow by growing apart or a horrible affair that scars us for life- we forget how to be happy. Happiness is truly a state of mind, and well to end this year, I have been happy. As all gay men who keep up with technology have Grindr installed on their iPhone- we are constantly searching for the right person. Whether they be right now, right for right now, or right for a relationship – we are all searching for Mr. Right.

As for me, I kind have given up on Mr. Right and have decided on something easier: Mr. Small Delight- someone who does subtle things to make me smile, and who generally cares for me. Even when I am a hot mess. We have all tried dating people, and they are usually the wrong person, and finally when you think you meet someone nice, genuine, or even special- there is something in us that waits, or expects that his flaws will show up at soon… End of the year dating:

1. Guy one: in theory everything was good, but then the lack of communication and the genuine lack of sincerity went away and it became nothing.

2. Guy two: you thought he was a good guy, later to find out that he is this perpetual douche bag that is so vain it would make snow white’s evil step mother look sane.

And finally, maybe the third time is really the charm: I met him off Grindr, and he his nice, tall, handsome, Hispanic, and funny. What started off as innocent conversation via grindr turned into texting, and soon and somehow it developed into a first date. Granted, we just had our first date but it was kind of amazing, besides having really great conversation (through text and over the date), he made a three course meal and homemade strawberry lemonade, and we cuddled and watched movies while drinking wine. 

This time last year I was frantically sewing, trying to get a collection together in hopes of making a strong impact in the world of fashion design, but alas the year is over and that collection never really came into fruition but SOCIAL CULTURE has. What amazes me about this idea is that this New Year’s will be the first one in 4 years that I am not spending it alone. Last year, Tacia and I drank ridiculously and the year before that I was shit faced at a bar, and the year before that I was depressed, and the year before that I was depressed and drunk with Anneva, trying to get over our exes. This year, I hope will be different…
I hope I don’t spend it shit faced. haha.
2. I get to spend it with someone who I think genuinely likes me- and hopefully tomorrow night starts my …
“Once Upon a Time…”

that importance of being Asian.

I think this post will be the first post with depth and relevance… HAH!
Besides the fact that I fill my days thinking about christian louboutin…
Or the fact that I spend hours a week deciding which designer I would like to have sex with, or 
how many times can I can use the words “fierce” or “hot mess” or “that’s hot” “tranny hot mess” in once sentence for my amusement…

but… on a more intelligent note, on a non superficial plane of my existence … yes I know that is hard to believe….

I had a thought on why being Asian is so important.

1. there is a very large disconnect in the social strata between races, particularly Asians in gay world.
Gay world is governed by shallow pretenses and first appearances… hence why I am so “fierce” when I walk into work, 
or how “butch” I am when I go to the grocery store. But regardless there is an underlying separation of races among gay men.

2. the stereotypes that have been built in our main streamed heterosexual agenda… well have capitalized and 
has hyper sexualized and desexualized Asians in general. And yes, I do believe that fashion has contributed 
to this… Ethnic cool… Sensuality over sexuality. Always this mind over matter, bhuddist nonsense 
of geisha lovers and dragon ladies. (then again I know a lot of those… mostly men)

3. as much as i bitch about it… i do love being asian. even if at times it makes me unattractive. 

and lastly… the reason why it is important to be asian… well for me at least… is to be called a gaysian.