in bed with… yellow like asian… MACHISMO


In be with… well me.
I have decided to photograph boys in bed with me and talk about sex, sexuality and relationships…

machismo.
butch.
masc 4 masc.

all terms gay men use to help define their sex lives… their preferences… (please go read my post on micro aggressions here)

Well recently, I encountered a strange situation… I was basically told I wasn’t someone that their parents could respect. 
It boiled down to the fact I wasn’t latino, and I wasn’t “masculine” by latino definition…
0_0   (asian shocked face)

So, we talked about… and well it boiled down to one thing: MACHISMO.
It’s kind of a big deal in a lot of cultures. In Latino culture (which I am surrounded by) masculinity is stressed in three major areas: job, sexuality and family. So, after examining these three areas, and factoring in all of the other research I have done around gay relationships and gay men… I have come to this blog post…

If masculinity is defined by superficial appearance, by mannerisms and by sexual orientation…
Than why be gay at all? When did it become acceptable that being a good person isn’t good enough?
Well… here is what I have come to learn when dating latinos…

 being “butch” is the first deciding factor if they are into you. What is butch?
ABS, facial hair, lack of fashion, pretty boi swagg…
Ironically, no one should wear pretty boi swagg, and it is even worse when you see men in their 30’s with the hat, the plaid, the chain, the jeans, the sneakers… Unless you are Ricardo Tisci’s muse aka billionaire Kanye West… Grow up please…

Being butch also passes the question if you can pass as straight… note to self: everyone straight or gay gets their eyebrows done… no one should have a unibrow. period. But it seems, that if you have a slight arch.. you are femme. Which means we need to call the boys from Jersey Shore and inform them that they are femme gay.

Conclusion:
Anytime we hyper-sexualize, or hyper-masculinize someone we are feeding into the original conflict that homosexuals and heterosexuals faced during the 70’s. Whether it is heterosexual or homosexual, anytime we overcompensate by hyper-sexualizing someone we are feeding the social concept that race determines sexuality… which would be wrong. Placing a stress on masculinity is just another form of sexism, just this time it is homosexual sexism? If gender roles are given based on someone’s masculinity, then we are still stuck pre women’s rights… and makes me wonder have we even made any progress as a human race?

I’m a respectable person. period.
It doesn’t matter my race, my gender role, my mannerisms, my self expression…
I don’t judge other men based on the above, I am the last one to claim masculinity- but for those of you who constantly enforce that you are masculine… what are you overcompensating for?

Thank You to the guy who posed for me… 


If you want to hop in bed with me… 
shoot me an e-mail!!

Third time is the charm? Ending the year.

Figuring out how to move on in life, is well quite difficult. Regarding relationships, I am not one to preach as well obviously what few relationships I have had, have failed in some way or another. Not that they were a failure, it is just people grow apart, and somehow by growing apart or a horrible affair that scars us for life- we forget how to be happy. Happiness is truly a state of mind, and well to end this year, I have been happy. As all gay men who keep up with technology have Grindr installed on their iPhone- we are constantly searching for the right person. Whether they be right now, right for right now, or right for a relationship – we are all searching for Mr. Right.

As for me, I kind have given up on Mr. Right and have decided on something easier: Mr. Small Delight- someone who does subtle things to make me smile, and who generally cares for me. Even when I am a hot mess. We have all tried dating people, and they are usually the wrong person, and finally when you think you meet someone nice, genuine, or even special- there is something in us that waits, or expects that his flaws will show up at soon… End of the year dating:

1. Guy one: in theory everything was good, but then the lack of communication and the genuine lack of sincerity went away and it became nothing.

2. Guy two: you thought he was a good guy, later to find out that he is this perpetual douche bag that is so vain it would make snow white’s evil step mother look sane.

And finally, maybe the third time is really the charm: I met him off Grindr, and he his nice, tall, handsome, Hispanic, and funny. What started off as innocent conversation via grindr turned into texting, and soon and somehow it developed into a first date. Granted, we just had our first date but it was kind of amazing, besides having really great conversation (through text and over the date), he made a three course meal and homemade strawberry lemonade, and we cuddled and watched movies while drinking wine. 

This time last year I was frantically sewing, trying to get a collection together in hopes of making a strong impact in the world of fashion design, but alas the year is over and that collection never really came into fruition but SOCIAL CULTURE has. What amazes me about this idea is that this New Year’s will be the first one in 4 years that I am not spending it alone. Last year, Tacia and I drank ridiculously and the year before that I was shit faced at a bar, and the year before that I was depressed, and the year before that I was depressed and drunk with Anneva, trying to get over our exes. This year, I hope will be different…
I hope I don’t spend it shit faced. haha.
2. I get to spend it with someone who I think genuinely likes me- and hopefully tomorrow night starts my …
“Once Upon a Time…”
 

Boy: Azns are gross

 
 
Boy: Azns are gross
Me: ummm okay, then why message me?
Boy: You are asian?
Me: Yes.
Boy: that suxs
Me: Not really
 
This is my never ending dialogue with myself regarding race:

1. Happy moment in my life: Liu Wen is the first Asian female to walk Victoria’s Secret Annual Broadcasted Runway Show.

As Asian models are carving their way into the world of fashion, as a result of the new recent wave of Asian Designers, I feel like it is important to embrace this moment. When Hye Park graced the runway for Prada (only the second Asian Model to walk for Prada) I knew that change was among us. When the rise of Asian designers took flight, I knew that this was Asia’s chance to shine. Along with the economy, as China’s demand for luxury is skyrocketing, it only makes sense that Asian Models are going to be on the rise. As Asia represents over 1/3 of the 18 world wide publications, this is our time to shine.

2. Sad moment in my life: Once again, the gay community focuses the efforts in HIV/AIDS it neglects education, race, and identity and I am left with the following thoughts:

Today is Global AIDS awareness day, and in part the gay community uses this day to expand the passing of knowledge of HIV and AIDS to new generations, and peers. What saddens me, is on this day where AIDS, affecting the global population (both straight and gay), the idea of race comes my mind. If you are gay, and have ever visited sites like: Craigslist, Adam4Adam, Manhunt or have Apps like: Grindr, BoyAhoy, Scruff, Downlink etc etc etc- You probably have unknowingly taken a part in passive racism.

Racism exists. It has been less than 40 years since the United State fully abandoned the Jim Crow laws, and ripple affect of the passing of knowledge still exists. I recently was on Grindr and had my first experience with someone who affiliated with the Nazi belief system and had the Nazi flag tattooed to his arm. He said he didn’t have a problem with me, because I wasn’t Jewish. Regardless, it was awkward and uncomfortable.  Gay men, and others have now substituted the words racism for personal preference.  The idea of personal preference, stemming from the idea that one’s individuals thoughts, sexual attractions come from the context in which we grew up in. Sex is an instinct, so if we are born with the homosexual desire- it is a pure instinct, a raw act… problem:

We are constantly arguing if being gay is genetic or it is something we subconsciously choose. That argument will go on and on until proof among the scientific community accepts it. (Which, lets not give them too much credit as they thought African Americans and Homosexuals were their own species for a very long time, or that the world was flat) But, what we can argue is that we subconsciously develop racism through our sexual preferences. It starts with labels, labels that are spoon fed to us from an early age. The government encourages racism as it tries to label its citizens. This starts with the state’s standardized testing in which we mark our ethnicity in a little a bubble. A little bubble that will be the start of the unconscious choice of  passive racism.

Racism in education has always existed, and still to this day racial statistics in a school factors into the idea of a school’s ranking. UCI (University of Chinese Immigrants) UCLA (University of Caucasians Lost Amongst Asians), and that the top 3 school in the United States are influenced by the current student body that is more than 40% Asian. Racism in education always creates the downfall to other minorities, placing them in lower percentiles due to socioeconomic status or context. Here, in the education system we are taught that racism is wrong, yet as we move into adolescence our identity is constantly being defined for us through our education. An education that is flawed, and passive racism becomes more evident as we apply to the Higher Education system.

As we constantly are developing, as we become individuals sexuality becomes a driving force in our lives. It is always in the back of our minds and affects the way we dress, the places we go out, and for some a recreational activity or sport. What I am confused about, is how a communities that have been repressed constantly dividing themselves, based on the idea of race. Every culture has a form of racism, it may stem from a historical grudge, or current politics, but regardless- racism continues in our lives, and we neglect it. We don’t haves signs in our faces, now we just do it online, and we use the word preference, attraction and lifestyle choice.

I understand that sexual attraction is the result of context, history and culture- but it has become something that defines an individual, and by defining yourself as a particular individual embracing one’s sexuality, it just seems ironic. I have never seen so much “personal preference” among gay men, now more than ever. It is funny that gays argue humanity, and that being human is enough to justify equality- yet from one gay man to another being a human is not enough; body type, ethnicity, dick size, and the idea of masculinity and femininity are more important.

When did being a different race make you less of a person, sexually?

Trust me, I know and understand that race factors into everything… But from one gay to another, how does someone decide that a race is not good enough for them? 


So, please- if I am not good enough for you because I am Asian – remember I am a human, with a story and a history – and you don’t know how I define myself… I choose to define myself as yellow, like asian. 
🙂
 

Does anyone even read this?

Lately, I have been extremely down… I feel like if I write about it- things might change for me.
My heart is broken, and the world seems to be weighing down on me. I can’t sleep at night, and when I do fall asleep it is usually preceded by tears or some emotional diarrhea that I can’t control. If you have ever been in a serious, committed, failed relationship – you know what I am talking about. Men should be like good clothes- make sure they fit, and you should have to pay much for them.
So, here I am in an ill fitting tank top, and shorts that are two sizes two big- single and alone.
I’m trying to move on, and by recommendation of a friend I have downloaded all the essentials needed for a single gay man. I sit online and scroll though these apps looking at profile after profile. Most of these men are gross- and none measure up to my ex. It is like trying to trade up a car- well at least it seems that way. I try talking to guys but most of them bore me.
I have avoided my closest friends, and I have tried to get around from talking to people about it because I’m so tired of hearing, “you deserve better” or the wonderful, “It wasn’t meant to be.” Obviously. Thank you for a slap in the face- because I know his friend’s are saying the same thing, and then the latter just makes me look stupid…
Work- work has been extremely stressful and it is taking a toll on everyone.
I love my job- i really do, and I know that it is going to have its ups and downs but it seems that all my hard work, my effort, my time, and everything I have sacrificed isn’t paying off..
There is a million things going on in the world and I feel like I have become obsessed with the lack of personal life and the dictating world of my work. I don’t know – blahhhh
sucky post. sorry.