Being Comfortable In My Body…

We have become obsessed with weight… So much so that we have television shows dedicated to weight. Every year we make resolutions, and for some those resolutions include weight loss: including myself.
Here is the problem I have with weight loss… When I was dancing ballet I weighed in anywhere between 115-130 with a waistline of 27-28″
After dancing ballet I weighed in between 130-150 with a waistline of 28-30″
Now, I weigh between 170-180 with a waist of 32″

When I was dancing ballet our weight was crucial as it determined casting, costumes and well your job. I became obsessed with my weight. I became so obsessed that my weight never fluctuated it was a constant number that shall remain nameless but it was a number between 115-130 lbs. Now, the crazy part was I was actually maintaining this weight in a healthy manor.

After dancing ballet I saw my waistline getting bigger and I became even more obsessed, so much so I developed unhealthy eating habits, and basically starving myself to be thin. I would allow myself one meal a day, and I would still be exercising ridiculously. At the same time I was going to school full time and working over nights, and pushing my body to the max. I refused to gain any weight, and since I wasn’t dancing 6 hours a day I decided to take some ballet classes in the mornings after work just to stay thin…

Finally, I was okay with my weight… Or was I?

I feel like not only did ballet screw up my head when it came to weight, self acceptance and perception but being gay factored into my weight complex…
I felt that because I danced ballet I was supposed to be thin, and because I was more effeminate I needed to be twinkish.

Then I had my ethnicity come into play with this stereotype that all asians are super thin. My sister is super thin, ridiculously thin, even after having two babies she is still super thin. 

And then I got into fashion and I started to gain weight… Ironic right?
In the beginning I felt like I could flex my power and say HAH! my weight doesn’t matter anymore but yours does… I was wrong. After gaining almost 50 pounds since ending my ballet career I realized that this isn’t where I want to be- physically. 
Yes, my body has changed drastically as I am no longer this shapeless ballet dancer, with swan arms, as my body has filled out, as if I had just hit puberty… But now my problem is this: the ADONIS FACTOR. LOGO did a documentary on this complex gay men have and justified it. I get it, the human body isn’t supposed to be obese, and muscle tone is natural- but as gay men have we taken it to the extreme?

I went to a bar the other night and ran into a friend who I hadn’t seen in a year. He had gone from muscular to porn start status body type. It was kind of ridiculous. The awkward part was, I wasn’t jealous of his body type- it made me realize, and miss what i considered to be my ideal body type. Since the new year I have lost a total of 13 pounds. And I want to shed another 15. I want my waistline to be back down to a 30, and I want to say the following:

I don’t expect everyone to be pencil thin, nor do I care if you are pencil thin or not. I consider for myself, for my body type, for my sanity, and for what I have grown up around and developed an “ideal” body type for myself is my opinion and no one else’s. I do not force it down your throat, don’t force your opinions down mine. AND I HATE IT when people say, “YOU LOOK GREAT, healthy.” I was healthy at 150 – I am 20 pounds heavier than that and I don’t like it, personally. My body is my business, so if I want to loose weight – don’t make me feel guilty about it. I grew up in a world where weight mattered, I work in an industry where weight is crucial, I am associated in a lifestyle that body type matters, and I am Asian and the stereotypes of body type exist- 

I want to be comfortable in my body- and that body is at a lower weight than I am at now.
I was more confident then.
I felt sexier.
I was happy about how I looked.

Isn’t happiness the most important thing in life?




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